Poem: Afterwards, sex (Too honest Poem)
Updated: Nov 11, 2020
Trigger warning: sex, consent and dissociation
Maybe others feel or have felt this way too?
This is about moving towards looking at sex differently -
this is my body, I own this thing! I should not feel conflicted.
Too honest Poem
Thunder and lightning came
It comes knocking at the door
It’s powerful, a metaphorical knock
One that you just can t take anymore
Do people usually remember sexual relations with partners, boyfriends or even on special events?
Could you remember details if you thought about it?
Or do they all merge into each other- a dissociated, sometimes violating blur
Places you are ashamed that you went
Because even when it was good
It subconsciously took me back
A disconnect, not being present,
(feeling stupid - body wrong, repellent, empty)
Balanced by a mind that was hurt.. perceived as ‘mad’
Wanting to be wanted,
Yet feeling nothing at all
Like I’d completed another transaction
Ten feet to two inches to millimetres
The dead body that wanted to feel tall
There were beautiful moments where I felt loved, special
Where there was care, love, a gentle touch
But most of all I was ruined
By my willingness to give too much
Sex links to teenage feelings, to young adult, to attempts from strangers to push and to take
In relationships it brought peace
No more arguments (awkward feelings)
Emotional boundaries I felt willing to break
It’s annoying how quickly all these words come to me
When I have other things to do
An impulse, an urge, a feeling
Events I have to vomit out, in order to push through
Did I look dead behind the eyes?
There are times when I really was present and connected
I’m confused on how it’s supposed to feel
It’s not something people talk about -
numb, happy, regretting it
I need to be coming from a new place
A place of value, love and self acceptance
Not unease, but calm decision making
understanding creating contentment...
not fighting back at the ‘rejection’
Image credit: Canva
That's all for now xx