Poem: Afterwards, sex (Too honest Poem)

Trigger warning: sex, consent and dissociation

#trauma

Maybe others feel or have felt this way too?

This is about moving towards looking at sex differently -

this is my body, I own this thing! I should not feel conflicted.

Too honest Poem

Thunder and lightning came

It comes knocking at the door

It’s powerful, a metaphorical knock

One that you just can t take anymore

Do people usually remember sexual relations with partners, boyfriends or even on special events?

Could you remember details if you thought about it?

Or do they all merge into each other- a dissociated, sometimes violating blur

Places you are ashamed that you went

Because even when it was good

It subconsciously took me back

A disconnect, not being present,

(feeling stupid - body wrong, repellent, empty)

Balanced by a mind that was hurt.. perceived as ‘mad’

Wanting to be wanted,

Yet feeling nothing at all

Like I’d completed another transaction

Ten feet to two inches to millimetres

The dead body that wanted to feel tall

There were beautiful moments where I felt loved, special

Where there was care, love, a gentle touch

But most of all I was ruined

By my willingness to give too much

Sex links to teenage feelings, to young adult, to attempts from strangers to push and to take

In relationships it brought peace

No more arguments (awkward feelings)

Emotional boundaries I felt willing to break

It’s annoying how quickly all these words come to me

When I have other things to do

An impulse, an urge, a feeling

Events I have to vomit out, in order to push through

Did I look dead behind the eyes?

There are times when I really was present and connected

I’m confused on how it’s supposed to feel

It’s not something people talk about -

numb, happy, regretting it

I need to be coming from a new place

A place of value, love and self acceptance

Not unease, but calm decision making

understanding creating contentment...

not fighting back at the ‘rejection’

Image credit: Canva

That's all for now xx