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Poem: Where My Head's Been At

Updated: Apr 7

I feel like a commodity and I don’t fully connect why

Feel worthless - like nothing, stupid, every time I cry

You see, no one could ever love me and this I have to accept

It’s the pain that paralyses me when I long to connect

If someone was to hug me, I’d really wonder why

I can’t open up for fear of rejection

And so I, stubbornly, refuse to try

My brain is one big fuzzy mess

I feel four steps behind

Denying how I really feel

Pushing bathroom floor sobs to the back of my mind

If anyone was to hold me or talk to me

I’d almost be angry

Or be waiting for them to let me down

How dare they lull me into a false sense of security?

because no one will normally be around

I have to accept it

And realize that it’s only me

I cannot allow myself joy in longing

To want, to desire, to need

It’s not about romantic relationships,

Although I definitely can’t deal

It’s the need to be stripped down - authentic and honest

I hate myself because I’m not real

Can’t write or be creative; I seldom believe there’s a point

Because I am this dirty, uncomfortable person

Who can never be honest with you

I can’t relax and enjoy myself

There s no point in generating fun moments

for people like me

because life can’t be about holidays

It’s about the need to feel free

Not loving my body and the pain which it creates

Feeling the void of emptiness

And wanting those that relate

Image credit: Canva

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