I feel like a commodity and I don’t fully connect why
Feel worthless - like nothing, stupid, every time I cry
You see, no one could ever love me and this I have to accept
It’s the pain that paralyses me when I long to connect
If someone was to hug me, I’d really wonder why
I can’t open up for fear of rejection
And so I, stubbornly, refuse to try
My brain is one big fuzzy mess
I feel four steps behind
Denying how I really feel
Pushing bathroom floor sobs to the back of my mind
If anyone was to hold me or talk to me
I’d almost be angry
Or be waiting for them to let me down
How dare they lull me into a false sense of security?
because no one will normally be around
I have to accept it
And realize that it’s only me
I cannot allow myself joy in longing
To want, to desire, to need
It’s not about romantic relationships,
Although I definitely can’t deal
It’s the need to be stripped down - authentic and honest
I hate myself because I’m not real
Can’t write or be creative; I seldom believe there’s a point
Because I am this dirty, uncomfortable person
Who can never be honest with you
I can’t relax and enjoy myself
There s no point in generating fun moments
for people like me
because life can’t be about holidays
It’s about the need to feel free
Not loving my body and the pain which it creates
Feeling the void of emptiness
And wanting those that relate
Image credit: Canva
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