What you don't say...
Updated: Oct 8
Feels a bit strange writing about (and posting on) what I wanted to use this blog for with everything that's going on worldwide at the moment.
So, might just take a break (from something I barely started!)
Just posting old stuff I found
What I wish I could Say - March 2018 I’m sorry that sometimes I don’t talk to everyone And that my eyes look empty, vacant I’m not arrogant, standoffish and am not becoming complacent Being on the planet somedays takes up all my energy Got nothing left to give as the real me And exhausted I can put it on or fake it You deserve human connection, reality Exhausted by the trauma and dissonance that consumes my soul I go for the safety of familiarity I stick with those I know It’s not that you don’t matter I’m grateful for every welcome and every bit of support But I have to create personal boundaries Chatting and moving around intimidates me more Because what have I got to offer in conversation When I’ve done little and the trauma has occupied all of my attention I spend my free time trying to come to terms and on painful self-reflection I don’t feel worthy of a holiday My fortes not looking after myself You can feel free and have fun My focus is understanding my mental health I feel disliked I feel shame And hit my self - loathing and fuck it button whenever I’m being ‘told off’ I’m triggered because I’m bad to my core And feel my ego makes you scoff Because why would anybody give me a chance? Somebody so damaged and disgraced like me I come across like a freezing icicle But I understand love and family Inside I’m thawed And sometimes I wish you could see through me and see that I will never be normal like these people, lack life skills I’m different - not special, The feelings leave me flat I leave because I’ll make no sense I’d be less than me and distant Until the hole in the soul is taped up You’ll get no sense of me, however persistent I’ll love but feel rejected While my body’s engineering work goes on disconnected and cut off Without sleep nothing can be done I need a few hours, days perhaps And I appreciate, but will reject, your kind ways The powers being switched back on And I’m sorry about the delay