Romanticising, and Why not?

Finding joy in the little (big) things

Wanting to swing my shopping bags 

with rhythm

Rotate with abandon 

and free 

Twirl down the pavement

Like going to the Co-op is my art 

Dancing 

Arms raised a little 

Only, comfortably so 

Belonging to a moment, 

A mysticism, in which, only I,

Believe 

Romanticising the s  t out of this 

Space

Floating 

and Why?

Well, really, Why not?

-

In this space for a limited time 

A pause

There’s a younger me

Filling worlds, with intangible rhyme 

I could seem like I was gloating 

in my ignorance

Passion, with no substance

I need something to spark inside

The All or nothing mentality

but you, only, see everything that I’m not  

You divide and compartmentalise me

I hang on the every word of moments

That can make me Feel alive!

Adoring bright colours 

Glitzy, but you need me tame 

A people-pleasing sun

Your declaration, that you never

see enough rays (that you don’t want

anyway)

Elevating a moment 

to unreality

Why did it all feel so strange? 

-

You snatch

Sink in, and darken my dopamine

You learnt to be satisfied with that

(in a way you don’t define)

There is a grim lighthouse

in my darkness

When my soul pays

and I divide - to become a third, a fifth of..

Inpatient in the line

Small sections, of something only

reminiscent of me

.. Reward centre’s stagnant, doing time

Excruciating, knowing I can’t go back there

To that place

Stifling belief in internal dance steps

and mind juggling mathematics

What makes you the sensible

and me the joke without

All that good grace

To never, ever mind you

I saw Singing in the Rain

and splashes

Joy

It lit up my face

.. And a lifetime of

Protection, and fear

Wanting

to hold your rhetoric

and keep Your You in place

-

I see significance, in saving face

and reputation is ‘more’ important

than heart and meaning

I don’t want any worlds to

shatter

But, I can’t roll, daily, into

memories of noiseless, haze

The first of years of

questioning my own grieving

Me, now, and onwards

Needs to stay!

You silenced me

That’s pretty impossible!

I find that outline so painful

and need a new, softer pace

I’m not in the business of

shattering illusion

I can’t live, hiding in (not-my) reality

Where music

and the steps don’t come out

In the road

There is no illumination

No electrifying in these days

Lights. Camera. Show

for my insides

All I feel is shame

over screeching brakes

Dazzling dopamine comedown

Leaves me crying

And I’d stored it in my essence

Years of releasing shame

Playing myself down 

Enveloped in self-caring

and wildflower explosions 

Cursed for falling down ladders

and, (trying), to keep building up again 

The universe’s wrapped up in pain 

And we don’t talk about anything with depth

Souls that care so, so much

It’s bewildering to me

We make small-talk on the weather

Seeing treasure,

wide-eyed, in others

They have something, that I

could never be enriched with 

For me, there is the

magic in the moment

Now, not in whether I, almost, fit in

I want to live!

The expression of connection

and the almost-touch

-

The building is the rush

You tried to tell me

(I’m not one)

Over here, is ‘What it looks like

to be a Ten’

I appreciate, and value, you

You have to not be worthy of me, though

If you don’t want to see all my justs

My cross-legged calm

Irritates, leaving you in a huff

I just love writing

All the worlds, that mean so much

I interrupt your rule-following

Anger, seeping from your pores

Draining, hidden, into every orifice

like popping pus

I don’t think I can live in a

universe of pretend

I’m in ball and bat flow

and when it finishes, I’ll collapse

But, I can’t live for yours

When I lose sparks as they slam

into walls

and need a dust

It is the powder on clapping hands

that exhausts me

That belongs to the same knowings

That my heart has up on

Love Actually boards

Neon, releasing magic Forget-me-nots 

The soundtrack to my life 

Music punches out my flow

Fingertips twirl in step with everything

that makes this one soul, feel like an Us

The words that LET GO

Creating dynamic ways of 

being wealthy 

I live for, again and again

Everything we’re ‘told’ I’m not 

Excitement admired, by true

friends

The mind recites rhymes

from the subconscious

The only thing in that moment I know

and feel

Extensions and soul protections, fly

It doesn’t matter now

As I used to watch your head, not care,

to turn around

Mine does

You couldn’t possibly bend

-for love

I can turn inwards

and lean in

to being kind

Can’t look for hope

Where I’ve never been found

I wonder if there was a

time, when the beats ran

through you

And, you saw moments as

the start of an exploration

But, then you got tied up

and lost

It was past.

What’s the point now?

There is one.

You see it as beginning of

The end

I see the invisible moments I lean

into

That you can’t grasp

(Do I worry I’m blaming you?

Yes, sometimes I shame me, of

the past)

Because, I never had that

The vibrant support

You question my too-muchness

But, you question, my slow 

Nothingness, is what you see, when you

drill me down to my core

I crave you, but can’t allow your deserving

To look after me

So, I’ll leave you

Us both wanting something

(and more)

You my belittling

It emerges from the centre

of me

Answering my core

Sadly, I shake my body, as I

GO

And I see ME -

Feet tapping, reverberating

future rhythms out

Into the maze of the floor

Beats, hit 

Not falling, to obedience 

But convulsing in waves 

of Here I am, after ‘I need help’

A nothingness, undefined 

Words that mean so little 

Now, arms might be here

But, back then, who could

I actually tell?

Wanting to swing my shopping bags 

with rhythm

Rotate with abandon 

and free 

Twirl down the pavement

Going to the Co-op is my art 

Dancing 

Arms raised a little

Feeling sky-high

Living the only way I know

Only, comfortably, so 

Belonging to a moment, 

A mysticism, in which, only I,

Believe 

There’s hope

---

Truth seekers end up feeling 

we are weird

The first once to notice 

Permanently-clenched jaws

through the tears 

They are twenty five years,

light years and seconds, too late 

But, there are no awards for noticing

They’ll never know how much 

they hurt me 

These shoulders of extra freight 

---

Conniving - as if

How can you declare something

That they all agreed was

completely redundant?

I was all wrapped up, in Once-upon-a-time 

The body giving nothing 

Leaves blowing 

Over creaky, mysterious trap doors

You blame us

Cos women use their wily, you know?

We poison 

No one notices how grimy you are 

and that it’s slicked all over

my bedroom floor

---

Time. / Feeling too much (old one)

Last night the clocks went back

Time was snatched from me

It didn’t feel that bad

Sometimes, joy is snatched away

Like an ogre reaching in

and weighting down my frame

Pockets and patterns taken

and rolled out

It wasn’t me poisoning the

water

The lakes overflowth

are still mine

What they did pushed into me

Absorbed stress from the start

Into the divine

I care too much, I feel ‘too much’

Will this ever end?

There’s always meaning peeking

through

In feeling the extremes

I’m capable of aches turning

love inwards

Allowing the boulders and

bravado

Encouraging myself when it

feels they won’t end

It’s the peaks and flows

Lakes and valleys

I’d rather have it all

and feel endlessly vast

Something nothing and everything

Teaching us to be gentle

We are here now

Present

Swamped with caring for me

This is our At Last

Small talk

They say the clocks went forward

But, it seems that they went back

Disrupting our delicate balance and schedule

Storing the hour for tired, future us

Who will be grateful to the us

of the past

We live in the swamps of less and more

Life feels unfair

and sometimes we want to fight

But instead we look at each other

and they say with phony smile

Getting ready to repeat this, meaningless,

interaction

Darling, are you having a good night?

Why isn’t it

The worlds on fire

Amongst the pain say How do you, really, do?

I like to move forward

We are here in the present

I shift with the shifters

Who stare at it, horrified

Drawn towards connection

and the beauty in humanity

Shifting, without robot arms,

Into something true

I want splitting our hearts open

I can’t even find part of you there

Despondent pips, rather than peaches

Potential, rather than release

I claw underground

with dirt clinging to my fingernails

There’s no Us when

it’s only me