• taratalks

Wrote this today....

I have been obeying lockdown and, even as things have relaxed, have still been sticking to the original rules. Why go out for a nice walk? (It's just me) Why invest ? (it's just me)

Something is starting to shift...




But not from you When I hear ‘I believe you’ It means the world Like a sense of freedom for the little girl When I hear I care for you it feels unreal Amazing to know ‘we’re here’ even if it reads untrue I appreciate everything, the way that we are able to talk Have that minute of honesty but I become needy, understand you wanting to walk Love the idea of being able to chat casually around the trauma with friends When I’ve had that it’s been amazing I go too deep because I don’t have that and never want it to end I pick people that are destructive I m sensitive and feel I’m never loved for being me I get scared, you get scared, either one of us wants to flea Going to have a smear test with a doctor who understands Unspoken language saying ‘I get it’ Not a commodity, I'm a person, an individual and survivors aren’t a one size brand I am so grateful and cannot express how much this means the world to me A little bit of stability and understanding amongst all my issues with love, life and family People think the physicality of what happened is the most important thing It’s the control, the power and how we felt How we feel, the ‘emergency’ daily alarm bells that ring Calming them, soothing them, Managing the desire for unhealthy relationships We are the ones with experience, we are the ones who should be worked with We are not there to be ‘survivor porn ‘ Sometimes I think we are shocking stories for other people This is not juicy, gossip

it’s pain around which change must be born When a little message on twitter, a reply or Hamilton going live online These things make me joyful, happy As does space and a walk outside It quietens the desire for love, for the inner child to be held For me to see the point, to make my own change Allow my feelings to be expressed and, not consume, but to be felt I’ve been locking myself away There have been circumstances, yes But getting out at a distance into the big wide world Makes me realise I’m not a complete mess Seeing the bigger picture creates and transforms It’s about me internally And not feeling I have to ‘perform’

But with you...

I know I should feel grateful When you say 'I believe you' way too late When you try, in your own way, to understand Forgive me when your attempts at compassion grate Attempts to build my confidence And genuine declarations of love I could appreciate them from other people From you, not sure it will ever be enough Wanted to feel wrapped up in a blanket and secure that you want to protect I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable Your feelings don’t go in anymore And I instinctively reject Perhaps, in time, things will be better More comfortable and I will take some love in At the moment it’s ‘not from you ‘ I want to be gentle but that impulse is from deep within


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