Poetry overflowing

Undiagnosed ADHD / diagnosed at 40

Dopamine receiving

In my element

Feeling vibes

Too much of that

Brain short circuits and

sparks no longer fry

It can be instantaneous

A ridge precarious and easily - climbed

Ideas flowing

becomes, too many

Exhausted

and undefined

Spoken word style

Making the day ‘bigger’

Giving the moment shades

and a raise

Why is that shrub falling on the ground

and creating a triangle?

Why do I kick and ick

over allowing you to undervalue -

me

Why do I long for calm soothing

Such quiet peace

A treasured split-second?

but cringe at all and any praise?

Why do I doubt the genuine?

And, my ears alert to criticism four

spaces back

Why do I drag myself, through my

back catalogue, to the ends of the earth?

As if attacking my history

Leads to anything good

Dragged across the floor

Ashamed of my messy bag

Why do I taste the poison?

and only search for my sugar to make

it sweet?

Why do I insist on thrice offering it?

And, cry when it rots their teeth?

As it was, supposed, to be my release

What’s big to me

is small to them

That makes me feel such shame

Heart-choking devices from a plastic bag

and a jigsaw that entangled

when they ‘suggested’ I re-arrange

How does beauty to me

Become ‘ugly’ to you?

and why’s it your space to define?

A patriarchy that comments on women

twenties and under

Before you lose that ‘luxurious’ option

of judgement

and to 'revel' in their shine

They gloss you up and they spit you out

As if that’s all you were there for

You define beautiful by a depth that

could never been seen

Outspoken fire and a heart learning

not to be trampled

but cared for

An aged library ticket, now,

The dust of wisdom and experience

You, the demon, that’s uncalled for

I mention the voiceless

and you slaughter the whole library now

Bonfire sites

Because wrapping up money

Bandaging wealth

Hiding grievances

Assumption is enough

No passion

Nothing to weep

No resolute feelings

that the good system

Need never care enough

They don’t even think about us

It isn’t that deep

Practicalities never worth crying for

Topiary cut like daggers all the way

up to their front door

We need never speak

Our curves still their ‘flaw’

Hold You

Grow but with that childlike energy inside

The freedom to dance like no one’s watching

Expressing your soul’s joy,

and sorrow, outside

Dance with your feelings

Don’t keep it in

Your feelings clasp tightly, my darling

When they are held, alone, within

..

You hold me and tell me everything’s going to be ok

I won’t let myself feel it

In longing of your roots sinking in, I wait for you to go away

...

Saw me

Can’t afford me

You only want me at the beginning

Adore to bend and fold me

I was there as origami

For your play, to control me

I tore my secrets up

Afraid that they would hold me

You are in my bedroom

And are the dice that moulds me

But, I am the heart of me

Scraping up my seeds

Remembering who I can be

You wanted paper shells

To nest inside your ribs

Just one accomplishment

I see the shredding, starting to shift

Ignoring your paper planes -

and games

The way you spoke to my paper house

The way you sounded deranged

My secrets exposed in luminous

The glow comes and is planted, not, from what you are

Because, above my fragile house

of paper cuts, that ‘didn’t hurt’ when they scarred

You weren’t there, but my skies were full

imagination

I saw not what was evil, but saw the outline of stars

Stars that, now twinkle, heavenly

Shifting from paper models

To cardboard, to cut outs, to real

Because, I pieced together what you did

Sharp swords cannot change how I feel

You ate from cutlery

That was putrid

Leaves a tangy taste in the mouth

But I was building my ‘One Day’ castle and ‘one day’ I’d let you out

One day I ingested poison

One day I set you free

Not you in terms of persons

But, as leafy willows grow

Dropping the person

That was chained up in me

..

Champagne flute  /  paintbrush water

Pecking at your fountain

As if it could ever contain nourishment

I splatter pink dye all

over the alley

Touch it up with orange

You look at me, embellished with redundant

I want to feel safe

Safe and contained

Open air, trainers on

Love in me, not ‘estranged

I didn’t lose my mind

It was mine to give away*'

’*Robbie Williams, Sir

Scratching at, smiling

beyond my pain

Up early, and today will be the day

Today will be the day,

of forevermore

Yesterday, I was kind when forever

came crashing down again

Writing out my feelings

Punctuated heart

The groves in it, both swell

and bring me (less) shame

*Robbie Williams, No Regrets

To care 

Sometimes the   world

just  (heartbroken, sigh)

A part of me  

that’s still my child

All the time 

But now, I can’t understand how everyone  doesn’t hurt

There's a level  

there

I chastise myself for

not being knowledgeable enough

Feel wellies wading through the dirt

Heaviness on a heart that hurts

Loneliness and there’s more of us

A heart wounded 

is a heart that works