Blog: The Things My Jumbled, Muddled Brain Tells Me

Too many good things or mini ‘wins’ can’t happen in one go

I have noticed recently that when I feel creative passion about something and get that hit of motivation and determination, I then hesitate. My instinct is to think ‘what will go wrong?’

There is a buzz of creativity, a storm of ideas and I’m internally brainstorming all over the place, but part of me wants to kill it. What’s the point in writing about that topic or trying to develop other original ideas?

These learnt feelings then confuse me because, with the pandemic adversely affecting so many of us, I’d love to develop other things to work and focus on – even just for enjoyment. For a long time, I have had so many ideas on things I want to do (and I hope to achieve these dreams one day), but I am too frightened to discuss them. Afraid that, somehow, I’ll jinx it.

There’s that expectation of a point where I’ll be told to ‘stay in my box!’

There’s also that feeling that I don’t dare want something else, because I can’t have everything.

If I just wrote every time I felt the urge, if you like, or thought of a tiny starting point… perhaps I would….

don’t want to say anything shocking here…

end up with a lot more writing!!

The tiny idea instantly becomes a minuscule and pointless (‘not enough’) one. Not thinking and just getting on with it is the dream.

DON'T OVERTHINK, JUST DO

If one or two good things happen in a day, I can take joy in and appreciate these wins, but my mind shuts me down from desiring anymore. A free drink in a café or the rain stopping just as you need to go outside – lovely.

But that’s it. No more hoping for anything…

Something bad will happen now.

When these thoughts shift into my brain, I’m not unhappy or resentful about them. It’s my expectation of balance. If something nice happens, there isn’t the forever after of more.

So, my coping mechanisms involve me wrapping myself up in a blanket. I do it calmly (and usually metaphorically).

This is my form of protection.

If I dare to hope, dream or want, someone is bound to put me in my 'place` and I stop that before I get disappointed.

If someone I follow on Twitter posts:

‘I hate it when people …… ` A, B… C

I instantly wonder if I’ve done that!

The person probably doesn’t even follow me and it’s not relevant, but that’s where my brain goes to - straight away. There’s that ‘gut` feeling that everything is, or will be, my fault.

If I was a therapist, I’d say ‘even if it was you, so what? You can’t please everyone’.

I know this in reality, but my mind assumes. (The world is not about me, I know that, but I don’t want to be disliked)

When I say my ‘gut` tells me that I’m to blame, that’s wrong. It’s not my gut.

My gut tells me to avoid people that are bad for me. My gut tells me not collecting supermarket loyalty points because ‘I’m not worth it’ is my mind feeding me false information. My gut tells me to follow my passions and things that make me happy. And my gut tells me to start and finish this post!

It’s my mind that’s arguing with me in that split second.

Again, I need to be kinder to myself. I hope everyone can be too.

TV

Also, this week I have been thinking about TOWIE (the reality show ‘The Only Way is Essex’). At the start of lockdown, I saw a few older episodes that were repeated and just one or two made me uncomfortable. These were not recent, but the idea of the ‘alpha’ male was covered. There were ‘boyfriends’ who would become quite agitated and controlling in relationships (and with their ex – partners)

Being fair

As well as these moments, there were lovely things shown in friendships etc. Plus, we don’t know what is being created for ‘entertainment’ purposes, but I am not sure that the healthiest of relationships were always shown.

Some of the women on the show talked about this anger being inappropriate, but, at times, there was also the implication that, for women in relationships with ‘boys’ on the show, that these things are expected.

I don’t think they should be 'expected` or that these types of volatile relationships should exist anywhere. It’s the idea that he will shout angrily over you having a conversation with someone else because ‘that’s what happens’ that feels me with unease. This is not a sign of love! What about respect, kindness, friendship, understanding?

And Another

I also had a little cry over the BBC show ‘Love Life’, which I started watching. Anna Kendrick is someone I think is fantastic and, what little of the series I watched, I thought was great!

I needed a weep, probably, as I often resist my emotions, so my outburst of (tired) feelings probably wasn’t really about the show. TV programmes can give me that extra push or give me an excuse.

So I think I need to continue ‘Love Life’ at a later date!

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