Apology letter to… myself, cosmetic treatments

Trigger warning: body and facial insecurities

I started watching a BBC programme last night called ‘The Truth about Cosmetic Treatments’ (which covered non – invasive facial procedures) and thought, more generally, about my own body insecurities. Facial fillers have never been something that I desire, but I have always had problem areas that I focus on – and that my eye automatically goes to when I look in the mirror. Things that I would notice and fixate on in myself I would find beautiful in other people, so, somehow, the loathing is exclusively turned inwards. I am also uncomfortable with us being inundated with (often contrasting) images of so – called ‘perfect’ bodies, when truthfully, we are all uniquely wonderful.

Even though bottom fillers and lip fillers don’t appeal, I have a high forehead and do fantasise about having a hair transplant to lower my hair line. Even at school I remember looking at a group picture taken in one of those passport photo booths and measuring out how large my forehead was with my fingers in relation to other people. It is sad really that that was my focus so early on.

Nowadays, one of the main reasons I hate having my photograph taken, is that if it’s a head and shoulders shot of a few people, I always want to crop out the top of my head! I will confess that I have repeatedly done this in ways that have made it look like an odd pic.. but, in my mind, odder if I kept it in. My face can look fine and the photo can represent a lovely, happy memory, but despite this my brain alarm will be set off – FOREHEAD, FOREHEAD, FOREHEAD!!! And it’s instinctive now. There’s no split second of thought.

I have experimented with fringes and had a lovely full fringe about ten years ago, but it annoyed me when it was hot and, as a person who has never really had lots of spots, I’d get spots underneath it. Itchy and

irritating!

#cptsd

The letter

Although I am not sure I could ever love my forehead, I could love other people’s and I do want to be kinder to myself overall and be more comfortable in my skin. Even though I have written poetry during a gorgeous day in the park, I have tended to write it in bed at 11pm at night - charged, tired and vulnerable. I want to do these things without it hurting, the intensity of my feelings coming out when I should be asleep or winding down.

It’s probably my heart I need to be gentler with and I want to confront this. As a young - old soul, mature for my age in some ways (and immature in others), younger Tara felt like her own entity emotionally. I hope to recognise this and be soft and caring.

Dear Me,

Well, where do I start? This is my letter to say sorry. It could go on for days, but I will try and be brief - more of a note really.

(Disclaimer: This letter is only apologising for past indiscretions! Who knows what will happen in the future?! )

I am sorry for the lack of love that I have shown you at times. Apologies for the lack of compassion.

Sorry for all the procrastination.

I am not promising that it will stop forever, but I’m going to try to not get caught in rumination, procrastination, negative self – talk and self – loathing, in the same way. I hope to write poetry without getting ‘too’ intense and in my head, but with love…. being kinder.

You didn’t stand a chance at times – at work when your head was chaotic, when you couldn’t sleep, when you were exhausted with the unease in your body, when you were all too quick to point the finger your way and when you let others down - because of your mental health and physical pain - without proper explanation. I am sorry that you had to go through all of the hurt and pain and that you let it go on this long.

When someone said something negative or hateful you believed it, but if positivity was sent your way you could never take it in. I will attempt to stop justifying myself to those who do not always deserve it.

Glennon Doyle (who was on UK TV on ‘This Morning' this week – yay!) said that in ‘justifying you’re on your way to abandonment of self’ and that really resonated with me. I wish I could feel these words completely, but I will get there…

I vow to take control of my story and life.

I love you (fake it till you make it!) Tara

xx