May as well..
I watched an interview with Davina McCall years ago where she talked about a hole inside that nothing could fill. It was such a great analogy that she used and I related completely.
She spoke about drugs and alcohol mainly, but the push / pull relationships, the clothes I didn’t need, the one-day dreams and fantastical thinking, was my version.
I have had a life of avoiding and dissociating.
I remember feeling, if I can just .. just…
just … then my life will change and something will click in.
Waiting for a moment that will never come.
The present is now.
For me, it’s the heaviness of self loathing and not feeling worthy, that very very slowly starts to shift. It’s like a weight on my chest of bricks. And I am trying to lift them off.
Receiving my ADHD diagnosis has given me so many moments of realisation too.
It also hurts though, because it reminds me of all the times I was so very misunderstood.
The validation from the diagnosis comes in waves and I still don’t think the whole thing has sunk in yet.
When it comes to my writing, I constantly doubt myself. Even though I love writing poetry, I feel I don’t actually know much about ‘being a poet’.
I guess you just do what you feel.
The system and the world can feel quite elitist and, even though I can be brimming with ideas, developing and managing a writing routine can feel difficult.
I go through periods where I think my words have no meaning and so ‘what’s the point?’
I also feel I have natural reactions and feelings about how the world is at the moment. Even though there are so many lovely and beautiful humans.
But, when I wake up from the melancholy (that I'm not harnessing!) and lack of belief in myself.. it would be better if I’d have just written something anyway.
Even if it feels pointless.
As sometimes you can shift yourself out of that space.
I saw something online saying ‘time will pass anyway’ so I may as well try and be present, or at least be easier and gentler on myself.
Relax, enjoy time without pressure - as much as an ADHDer can!
That’s the hope anyway xx
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On some of these journal-ly, bloggy / poetry things, I may post older poems, below the dotted lines..
'You must hide'
..
On creativity
Just be one - a writer.
You are a writer in your spirit, your energy and the way you view the world. You are a writer when you don't write. Living is it's own preparation and research.
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