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Writing a moment

Updated: Oct 22



I listened to Down Bad and had the phrase ‘Teenage petulant’ in mind..





You tell me like a statement

Like, for my soul, you need an eraser

This trauma soup

runs dry

and drowns me

But, we convince me I’ve been duped


Voices slamming into me like hurricanes

Only, of your truth

I was so dramatic in my head then

Never voiced

At least then, I had youth

as an excuse

To silence me

To take your layered lies

and make them truth

The melodrama and pain

never erupted then

Not truly

Frustration, whenever I’d do anything

Or date someone

I don’t think I was to blame

You took the rage

and made it chunky soup

Too heavy on my gullet

I choke on pieces

of ifs and buts

I hope and long, for you

Your words

Your voices

All of the yous

And the ‘she’s weird’

All of the bitchy drama

Convince me that boxes were ticked

I was deserving

and I was so loyal for you


But, why can’t you speak

of the poison

(I knew, half the time)

that went in at the roots

Neurodivergent, unknown, never validated

Only partial ingredients of the soup

But infiltrated, deeply

Fighting demons

that laid me down

Stifling the golden retriever

as she jumped

On top of you

Taken from the start

and you hit rewind and play

Nothing you couldn’t impart

But, I didn’t believe it

I can’t absorb goodness

But, full of exploding green

excitement

Nervous energy

Overthinking

Overeating, offering myself too freely

Can’t puke.

Unsettled and uneasy

I’m sorry for fixating here

You did nothing wrong


Pain stuck. Need to voice it.


Lets feel shame

Turn this - make it about you


Of course, as always

Sorry. Rant over

I dream you look at the bile

My ‘drivel’

and want to fix it

Point at it

Make that the problem

Or be repulsed, at my ugliness

None of what lives inside, is you


It sits on my chest like a truck

It suffocates in the back of my throat

Needs to be eradicated from my always

It will sit there

But will hurt less

Lets get going. Lets start this.

I need to see proof


Nothing like overthinking. Not feeling

My techniques

My inner knowing

I share, all over conformity and the rules

This is what matters

Speaking it. Voicing it

A vat, never emptied

But never held

And defined as truth


Enabling a happier life

A more content space

Knowing what really matters

But ignoring it

And hating myself


Where did the origami start?

Making me what I thought would,

only-half, please you

Turning my truths into paper animals

But the sadness was never the truth

Eeyore in Tigger’s body

Stripes that made me less repulsively inaccessible

Had no idea how to live the moments

outwardly

Of depth and sorrow

Of love, but hope

The levels of

deeper

and blue





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