Hi, I’m Tara

I think a lot..

Trying to heal

In one way or another, life has always felt heavy, even if I didn’t define it that way. And, even if I seemed very happy, bubbly and energetic, at times.

There’s been trauma that I haven’t felt ‘worthy’ of naming

(I’ve questioned me defining it that way - not my messaging, so many go through that).

I lived for so many years in a state of denial - and a whole bunch of pain.

On top of that, at the age of 40 I, finally, got an ADHD diagnosis.

It felt validating and meant so much to me.

The deepest changes within me weren’t (to start with) about how I interact with the others, but about my relationship with self. When you realise what you are worthy of and stop apologising for who you are, that changes how you put yourself out there in the world.

A recovering people pleaser, I’m still drawn towards wanting the safety of knowing that others are happy. Blaming myself for the mood, or vibe, of a room was so ingrained.

As a person that’s been quite emotionally aware, it weighs on me deeply, because I will often notice when someone is not having the best day. When they’re hiding something they are worried about.

All of that stuff.

It’s not my responsibility, of course, to try to manage the emotions of other people.

Nor is that wanted by them, most probably.

Nor could I be successful at doing that impossible task!

I’ve still had days when I’ve exhausted myself trying and have chastised myself for not doing it.

We really do like to play (mean) verbal ping pong with ourselves don’t we?!

My ADHD has had a huge impact on my work life, personal life (every aspect of my life, lets be honest) and how I interact with others.

So have my trauma triggers and self-protective mechanisms.

Trying to shed the layers of shame and self-blame - taking a step forward, two back and, finally, feeling I am making progress, has felt powerful.

Even a year ago, I was writing poems that (when I look back), felt less hopeful than they would be now. I don’t want to re-do everything, because I am accepting (or want to be accepting) of all parts of past and present me.

Knowing how different my current lens is feels empowering. There is pride.

Just think, in six months.. a year, three years..

There will always be ups and downs, but I’m happy to be out there trying. Caring about and working on myself.

I feel more like me.

Understanding myself and looking at my past (and present) in therapy, has led, slowly, to me feeling more at peace. I still have a long way to go!

More content and accepting of who I am, though, feels good.

You don’t notice till you take a step back and reflect.

We blame ourselves when society tells us that we are ‘different’ or ‘badly behaved’. I definitely have.

In the build up to my ADHD assessment, I knew that I ‘probably’ would be given a diagnosis, but the first couple of years after hearing those words did feel momentous. Still do.

When it comes to diagnosis, if you know, you know and you don’t necessarily need a diagnosis (I’m also very aware of waiting lists, cost and know that everybody’s experiences and feelings on it all are different).

Exploring what my life has been like, when I’m so full of self-doubt, has been helpful.

Lots of little fireworks going off, in mini-realisations, enabling me to feel sad for younger me. There was a grief that came with it all and an, ongoing, unmasking.

I am exploring so many parts of me and who I am. Plus, I’m loving moments where my soul feels joyful and am meeting others who I feel a real connection with.

Embrace the cringe

Over the years, there have been lots of posts on here.

At times, I write in (almost) continuous run-on, sentences as I’m a poet. Journal-style. Some of it’s quite raw - and a bit abstract.

I wonder if these words make sense to anyone, apart from me in the immediate moment of writing!

Looking back can feel bewildering, and satisfying in equal measure.

I’ll like a few lines probably looking back..

Even during my active creating, I can bamboozle myself and get stuck mid-flow.

Then, get myself unstuck by switching between themes and ideas - very on-brand ADHD!

I’m not sure this website visually looks the best and I’ve tried styles out that could be a little cringe! Now, I’ll love and embrace all of that.

I am who I am and there is absolutely nothing wrong with me!