Why I want to do this...
Updated: Apr 2
Sometimes it doesn't feel like surviving.
I want people to be aware of what may be going on in the mind of a person dealing with trauma, depression and anxiety.
I feel intense shame, worthlessness and frustration at myself for being too 'self - involved' or 'in my head'. Most meeting me would have very little idea about these feelings, viewing me as happy and functional - these things can also be true!
I laugh about absurd and disturbing situations because crying and connecting with the feelings is too damn painful. Sometimes I need to say 'it hurts', whilst I curse and punish myself internally for, as we can do, living as a constant work in progress (or constantly developing and changing) but feeling stuck. For me, my life never starts.. I'm waiting for that allusive 'destination' or base point to start to live, rather than just being in the moment.
I am a mass of contradictory and busy thoughts. Have I lost my sparkle? Was it there to begin with or was I just, when I'm hard on myself, 'being fake'.
(Perhaps, we are just striving to move forward and doing the best we can).
As a highly sensitive person, I can often be empathetic with everyone but myself. My worth lies in what I can do for other people. My value in how much I 'pleased' them.
A lover of inspirational quotes, I feel dishonest, because I cannot live authentically by those words I have an affinity with.
At times in my life, I made battles where there were none and created distance between myself and people I didn't need to create distance with. Inside I felt love, but externally (justifiably) it would have been hard to understand me. These are my walls.
Having struggled with something called dissociation (which can be different for everyone), I recently had an operation which required anaesthetic and sedation. Nobody could believe how bright and 'with it' I looked afterwards and, perhaps even slightly hyperactive, I thought 'today is nothing. My dissociative life is one big anaesthetic'.
I have genuinely believed at times in my life that I am collateral damage for other people being happy. A belief, rather than a thought, that is entrenched within me. These beliefs are like spaghetti that I hope to completely pick apart and, I suppose, starting to be aware of the pasta infestation helps me do that. Generally though, I both like and loathe any self awareness I have because I want to be real and authentic but there are many layers to this process and to my denial.
When I try and express myself (largely privately at the moment) I feel frustrated with my 'moaning in note form'* and don't want to wallow!
(*I don't claim all my thoughts are healthy) About three years ago I started writing little bits of poetry, that were not really for anybody else. Getting feelings out in this way was fantastic, because somehow through just writing I may have felt (at the time) like I was being over dramatic, but the poems said things I otherwise couldn't and I did not write a sentence that did not feel true.
**Many, perhaps, use writing as a way of emptying their head, but everybody's circumstances and what suits them is different. Self - care is important (ohhh, you hypocrite, is my thought) and don't do anything based on what I've said. I love writing!
A while back I noted down:
'I'm not allowed to love and I know it
I dare to dream of feeling wanted but can't show it
(Focusing on rhyming gives me distance. Stating that turns attention away from my words!)
I'm being self - serving by deep down craving something I'm not qualified to have
Selfish, greedy and unreasonable
I am hard on myself with regards to honesty because I doubt myself and memories that I have. I also don't want to criticise others over how I have interpreted situations (it depends on the situation, I suppose, as to whether or not 'interpreted' belongs in air quotes!)
Validation is what I need. So, if somebody tells you about what they are dealing with or discloses events that have happened in their life, listen. You may never know what it took them to get there.
Sleeping with the lights on, hatred of my body, there are so many things...
Moving on from avoidance and through layers of denial is hard. That hurts like a dead leg.
(have no idea if I stole that!)
And we all need a kinder inner voice...
(I am no expert on all of these issues I am discussing. These are simply my thoughts and ideas)