5 days ago3 min read

I told myself I was ‘bad’

Apparently I never ‘needed’ sleep as a child.

This continued as an adult, with an endless cycle of exhaustion and crash

What I did need to feel was that it was alright to be me.

With a reputation for daydreaming and having my ‘head in the clouds’, I had a non-stop inner dialogue that had run for the first 40 years of my life and was referred to as ‘weird’.

I felt different, although not entirely sure why. I could hyper focus on passions, but could also lose concentration on any subject in a millisecond.

I was late.

Accused of being ‘lazy’ or ‘bad with money’ when desperately trying.

It crushed me, feeling misunderstood and I was devastated that I was annoying everybody, but didn’t know how to stop it.

Or even, half the time, what I was doing ‘wrong’.

Masking and painting a smile on, I tried to make myself more ‘acceptable’ for society. With every ounce of my being, I wanted to convince and show others that I cared and was a good human being. Feeling as though you have to advertise yourself, and your basic worth, to others, feels demoralising and, just plain, hurts.

There has been so much shame.

I was called ‘hyper’ and artificial food colourings (and, I felt, my awful personality) were the culprit, I was told. I’m not sure I ever believed that was the case, but I loved the sugar ‘high’ (as a dopamine seeker) from the foods and drinks I wasn’t allowed to have.

I thought people just wanted to ruin my fun.

Over the years I worked in jobs and industries that were more personality - based. That is the only reason I, even partially, got by.

The everyday was a struggle. Managing a household, cooking, cleaning. Plus, after a days work I was too tired to do anything else. I felt ashamed that others seemed to be having all this fun, and managing their finances well enough to have money to spend on things that they would enjoy.

Blaming myself was so entrenched, that it never occurred to me that I wasn’t ‘bad’.

I found ‘authority’ hard as a younger person, was always criticised and made fun of for talking ‘too much’.

I believed that I must be ‘attention seeking’ and I doubted who I was constantly.

There was an intrinsic knowing that I was being completely misunderstood, but then I questioned that instinct.

How situations felt, energy - wise, was important. I found small - talk hard. Life felt huge and dramatic.

Let’s get to the real stuff.

Then, finally, at 40 I was diagnosed.

I’m ADHD and the relief, grief, sadness for younger me, happiness for current me, hit me. I have slowly started unmasking, which I think will continue for years to come.

I didn’t know who I was. I am learning all about myself, slowly. In stages.

Society’s negative messaging had wounded me in a way I hadn’t even realised.

I have experienced trauma.

Some of the symptoms crossover with, or can look like, ADHD, and so that can delay understanding and validation further.

Prior to my ADHD diagnosis, I had been to a sleep clinic and been told that I had restless legs, but all the time. I’m sensitive to rejection (a killer) to strong smells and people I don’t know being too physically close. Sometimes I just need peaceful moments to myself. Away from crowds and stressful situations.

There are so many situations I avoid, and ‘systems’ that I’ve set up in order to try and manage the day to day.

I write poetry, which I find helpful. Expressing myself and having that release is huge for me.